Belle has been on a nail painting kick the past few weeks, so I took her to the store and let her pick out a few colors. I was almost done painting her tiny little toe nails and she had a brilliant idea! Mommy! paint YOUR toes! then you can have red toes too!!!
Only problem is, I couldn't do it. Not that I lack the skill required to give my self cherry red toe nails, I just could not mentally make myself do it.
Ive been successfully avoiding this problem without much difficulty for a long time, but now that Belle is getting older, she is starting to notice that mommy doesn't dress up. I had on clothes for Easter that a very nice friend picked out for me, and Belle was in shock that "mommy's wearing a princess!" and "look! your shoes! they're black" (she hadn't ever seen me wear anything but flip flops and tennis shoes).
Now the finger nail polish thing.
I find myself forced to address the fact that I am unable to feel comfortable wearing pretty things.
I dont wear makeup, or jewelry, or paint my toes. I don't fix my hair very much, ect...ect...ect...
Having anything to do with being beautiful or looking feminine was something that my Father mocked to no end. "so stupid, shes painting her toes" "that's the ugliest hairdo i've ever seen, she looks like a rooster"
" those pants look stupid" and on and on it went...... so I wore sports jerseys, t-shirts, and boys shorts,
rebelling against everything "girly girly". And got teased by cruel kids who called me a lesbian. but hey, as long as i had daddy's approval, right?
When you do something for so long, i guess it just becomes part of you.
The problem is, I don't want this part anymore.
In truth, I have no style to speak of. My jeans and t-shirt wardrobe leaves much to be desired.
hmm... maybe i'll nominate myself for What not to wear......
I don't even know what style I would want. Doesn't help much that clothes are $$$ and right now my budget has paying a mortgage wayyyy up on the priority list, and new clothes for me is almost last.
I brought up my concerns with a room full of my friends last night (all women). There were about ten of us there, and I wound up making most of them cry. Turns out, the way I feel going out in public all dolled up is the way most women feel if they don't get makeup on and fix their hair, and look just right.
like someone is looking down scrutinizing every detail of you. And the world might just end if someone sees you and you don't look the way you think they think you should. (try saying THAT five times fast!)
I don't think people in general notice what your wearing near as much as you do.
I had several people shocked that my self esteem wasn't through the roof because " I was beautiful enough to be a model".
My inner scorn of all things feminine is NOT acceptable any longer. I don't want my daughter growing up wondering why I put pretty dresses and bows on her, and paint her nails, but I walk around dressed like I'm making a quick trip to Wal-mart all the time.
I'm sure I'll write more on this later, but for now I'm going to go enjoy the remainder of this rare moment when I am the only person awake in the house :)
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