Parenting

 
As a parent,  you will probably do more laundry in one week than you did for five years before kids.
They spit, poop, pee, drool, throw up, smear food and snot all over them and you.    To the point you may consider making some togas out of towels to wear instead of clothes.    

You must be able to feign suprise a zillion times over fingers turning black and then suddenly being normal again when the olive is eaten.      

You never thought you would get so excited by poop in the potty.  but you did.   And you were not faking.
in fact, you were doing good not to break out the confetti and champagne.

You must be able to sweep faster than the speed of light, because that's how fast babies crawl over to that tempting pile of dirt and animal hair and god knows what.

Always be calm when your in a public restroom and your potty training daughter congratulates you on pooping.  So loud they probably heard it two blocks away.

Your food is no longer yours, but has turned into the tastiest morsel in the whole house, and it must be shared.     even if they're eating cherries and your eating the mystery leftovers from the fridge.

Your bed is by far the most comfortable, sought after surface in the universe.

You may as well get use to not being greeted when you walk into a building.  People will only have eyes for your adorable children, and may not make eye contact with you for half an hour while they invade your personal bubble and blow raspberries on the stomach of the baby your holding.

If you have a fear of teeter totters like I do, you'll have to conquer it because there's no way you can tell your daughter were not going on that cause mommies scared.

You will HAVE to master the art of playing candy land while keeping the baby from eating the gingerbread men with a chaser of double purple.

Those showers you use to enjoy?    they aren't yours anymore.    even if you do have a nice husband who tries to give you time alone to bathe, your three year old has a radar and she can make it to the bathroom quicker than a baby makes it to the dirt pile.    And after you shut her out, you feel like a big heel.  until she spends ten minutes outside the door screeching like a deranged parrot.

It may defy some rules of physics, but it takes exactly 3.8 seconds for two kids to trash a room.    If there's more than two around, its kind of like the baby and the dirt pile.

Try not to run away too fast when a random stranger walks up and says "your son is so cute!! can i touch his hair?"


I could go on some more, but its nap time so I think I may just treat myself to sweeping at a normal speed...